Below are the 9 most recent journal entries recorded in gravinheart's LiveJournal:

Monday, June 12th, 2006
10:02 pm	Useless I was thinking, and it occurs to me that I'm basically useless. Does that mean I didn't have as much potential growing up as everybody else? No. It means that, for whatever reason, I never developed it. Let's look at basic skills. Thing anybody out of High School should have. Math? Nothing. English? Nothing. History? Nothing. Economics? Nothing. Name any class, and I have nothing. Name any skill, and I have nothing. I can't think of a single thing I can do competently with the exceptino of roleplay, and even that I have a lot of problems with. Let's say I turn my life around. Let's say I want to make something of myself. What do I build from? I have no skills, nothing at all. I don't even know the fucking months right. I, am as useless a human being as the world has ever seen. How fucking depressing is that. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 24th, 2006
8:45 am	Infrequent! Well, it's been a long time since my last post. Over a month looks like. Wow. What's been going on since then? Well, not much. Looking for a job still when I can. Hanging around the house. Roleplaying online. Chatting online. Watching tv. Watching movies..reminds me. I'm going to see X3 on Friday. That reminds me of a friend that has a thing for Nightcrawler. She apparently likes the fur and the demonic features. Oh, and she heard about him having a forked..lil mutie. Nearly swooned when I suggested it might be prehensile. Anyway. Started roleplying on some WoD (That's World of Darkness for you poor people who don't know the world) games. In addition to the one I RPed on before, I mean. I was warned by a friend that Darkness Falling isn't very good, but I was asked to come there by another friend. Weird situation on there though. An Ananasi (werespider) that's ended up with a Garou (werewolf) as a veritable slave. Crazy shit, no? Then on another one is my first Shifter character with stats. A Garou. Ragabash, though if you didn't know the other ones, I won't bother explaining that. Born a wolf in the city to a Garou named Blind Drunken Fury and a wolf in the city zoo, he doesn't like the city much and actually lives in the country. For his Tribe, Bone Gnawers, that's odd. Oh. And then there's the reason I posted at all. Dellarte! Great to hear from you babe. I wish I would more. Feel free to @mail me at XeronFusion@aol.com. Lotta love to you. If you happen to have AIM, feel free to page me ANYTIME. If I don't respond, I might be behind on my bill. Wish you were around enough for us to hook up IC sweets. (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 20th, 2006
8:31 pm	It's funny how, no matter how much you dislike a situation, it's possible to get comfortable with it. Too comfortable in my case. I don't want to live at home. I don't want to be around my parents, for the most part. I just want to be on my own, able to do my own thing. Though, honestly, that's not possible. Because you always have responsibilites, obligations. Unless your a criminal I suppose, then you have to worry about getting arrested. But anyway..I had a big argument with my father a few days ago. Lot of harsh words on both sides. I meant mine at least. Ended up coming out and telling him how I feel about him..which isn't very good..and the fact that it's a pretty common opinion. Well, since then things have gone a bit better. I also, yesterday, finally told my mother I'm not a christian. Unsuprisingly, she wants to blame it on D&D and the various fantasy novels I've read over the years. That's reasonable, of course. Nevermind that I can't remember a time when I had any faith in Christianity. Or any other religion. Ah well. On the only other active front I ever have....Roleplay! I've got a few new characters, including the return of Alden Quests-For-Life, based on the main character from Fallout 2. One of the only FCs I'll play, since they make it flexible enough that you can have your own personality. Fun stuff. A few other things, hush hush. And as for job hunting..it goes. That's all that can be said about it. I'll keep you updated, you..three people that occasionaly read this. Maybe. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 14th, 2006
5:40 pm	What am I thinking? I'm not really sure what's wrong with me. I've been kind of depressed again lately, and also become digruntled with the games I've played. What do I do to try and fix this? Consider injecing a heap of pain and toil into my life. That's right...I'm thinking about starting up my own MU*. Of course, I don't know how to code. And I don't like writing desctiptions. And I have no idea who I would get to help me. And the theme for the game is still very sketchy..but surely. Such things can be overcome with hard work, perserverance, and determination? Well. I dunno. But we'll see. (Comment on this)
Friday, April 7th, 2006
5:57 am	You know..stuff. Yeah. Man. Been a damn long time since I've written in this thing..just got the urge tonight after reading a friends. Hell.I haven't even checked my Misha's journal in forever. Ah well. A thought occured to me tonight, something about myself. Something that's true of us all to an extent I suppose. I don't like things to change. Seriously. I REALLY don't like it. Hell..look at a relationship I had with a friend of mine. We knew each other only three or four months, but she became one of my closest friends, offline or on. I was actually starting to develop..you know. Feelings. Then she found somebody else. It hurt me...not that I actually lost anything. We're still friends. We never officially started anything IRL. But...things changed, and..well. People who knew me well know that I have a depressive streak. It hit really hard after that. For months, I was a wreck. That was also when I first started having suicidal thoughts. Stuid, eh? Went through every method I could think of, checking them off one by one for various reasons..Uncle shot himself, so not that..I can't stand being burned...don't like to cut myself..pills seem like a sissy way to go, and don't usually work anyway..drowing seemed too problomatic. Finally, I decided on hanging. Decided a time, a place...the woods behind my house after the holiday season..everything. Luckily I ended up changing my mind. Though I rather it would have been for a better reason than fear. Ah well. Fear is a big thing in my life. I'm afraid of change, I'm afraid of getting close to people, I'm afraid of failure, I'm afraid of rejection..fuck. I'm afraid of heights. But anyway..enough of the depressing shit, eh? Another big thing about me is Roleplay. I love it, though I'm at beast average. Have to strain to do what some people I know can do all day straight. Seriously. Anyway...as of this moment, I have...something like fifteen characters, including a few still in the works, spread over..four games. Not as many as some people...I don't know how you remember them all Retsu..but. I've been on a binge of character creation lately. I sometimes think I enjoy making them more than I do playing them, but eh..I do enjoy the other too. For some reason I lean towards the fantasy stuff. You know..magic and mayhem. Especially fantasy set in a modern setting. I love that. Even came up with the basic concepts for a few worlds I've dreamed up. So far...a modern fantasy world, a normal fantasy world, and a superhero universe that incorpirates some fantasy. Huzzah! Sadly, so far all I have to show for the lot of it is one short story set in the first. Ah well. Time will show. Or something. Man I'm being open tonight..how weird of me. Ah well. Anybody that's reading this I trust anyway, right? Right. SO there's nothing to worry about. And those I don't know/trust..well. I don't know you! So it doesn't matter what your aware of about some face on your screen that you'll never meet, right? Yeah. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 3rd, 2006
12:58 am	The Life Of A Drain On Society Job Search: Day Whatever As I navigate through the seemingly endless reaches of unemployment, I only wonder one thing...how did I stand this before I started working? It doesn't feel right to have no purpose, however petty, to your life. I do nothing all day but look for a job, when I can. I'm reliant on others to get where I need to go, and I don't have the money to change that. I'll admit, it's helped my roleplaying, but that's not really going to get me paid. What of my aspirations to be a writer you ask? Or would if you knew I had them. Well, I'm nowhere near a place where I could make MONEY writing, and money, the lifesblood that flows through our country and beyond, is what I need. So. I'll look. I'll look, and I'll find a job. Whether it's at a gas station, a factory, a club for men..I'll get one. I'll make money, I'll save money, I'll move to my honey, and once I'm away from the spirit-crushing existence that is Troy, I'll FLOURISH! Or at least that's what I'll hope. At the least, I'll have Misha around. That'll be something. (Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
12:21 am	Goodbye, Wal-Mart Well. I lost my job tonight. I have mixed feeling about that. On the one hand, it was a shit job. I've spent days in heat so strong I thought I was going to passs out, or maybe throw up. I've been in cold so intense that my hands would start hurting right through the gloves. I've worked with people so lazy and stupid I wanted to slam their head against the side of the building until their skulls cracked open and the rotten remains of their minds could be aired out. On the other hand, it was a job. It got me paid. It gave me discounts on a lot of things I buy regularly. It gave me money. It provided cash. I'm repeating this because I can't honestly say I enjoyed working with the people there, other than a few. Beka in particular was a good CSM, a nice southern girl. Then there was the asian girl that worked in photoshop. I have no idea what her name was, but damn was she hot. And..well. A few other CSMs were tolerable. The higher management was terrible. So. A crappy job I couldn't afford to lose. I'm pissed about it, but I'll get over it. I just hope I can find a new one soon. I'll have to take comfort in what I can...my friends, my writing, and my Misha. I'm sure they'll get me by. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
7:29 pm	Lazy Day Bwah. Lazy, lazy day today. Got up at noon, went online for three or so hours, napped till six, and here it is an hour and a half later, and I have yet to accomplish a single socially redeeming thing. I am so rad. So..it's Valentines Day. That's never really meant anything to me before, but today..I have somebody on my mind. A certain young lady that that I am very fond of. That's right....Hot Neighbor Girl That Doesn't Close Her Blinds And Is Only In My Mind, I'm thinking of you. And of course, there's also my wonderful Misha. Happy Valentines Day babe! What do you do on a day like this, when the object of your affection is in another state? Curse fate? Shake your fist at the sky and damn all the gods of heaven, olympus, asgard, and wherever the other gods are supposed to live straight to their respective hells? No. I need to do something special. What is that? I really don't know. But hopefully, it'll come to me. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
1:49 am	First Cut Well. I never thought the day would come. I have a LiveJournal. WTF? I'm not an open kind of guy. I tend to keep my emotions close to my chest. I mostly just made it to be able to talk to a friend I've been out of contact with for a while. Ah well..what the hell. I don't know most of you people, and the ones I do know, I don't care about hearing this. So here it goes. My life as of now..I'm just recovering from a mild cold I had. Mostly just a soreness in my right nostril from sneezing. Funny how I always seem to get affected on only one side. I'll come home from work, and one foot will be hurting. I'll get a headache, and one eye will feel like it's about to explode. I'll wake up in the morning, and one leg will decide to get a knot the size of a grapefruit and have me writhing in agony for a few minutes. I'll accidentaly cut myself, and one hand will bleed until I almost pass out. Who needs hospitals? I haven't really done much. Got up. Went to work. Got annoyed by the stupidity and assinine behaviour of my coworkers. Came home. Ate dinner. Cybermolested my Misha. Had a gay friend flirt with me. If he wasn't a friend, I woulda just blown him off. I hope telling him he'll be stop number one if I ever decide to experiment will keep him happy. He's nice enough. And insisted I wouldn't have to take anything. Wasn't that sweet? As I sit here, one thought occurs to me..sweet fancy moses do I have a shitload of books. Just turning my head to the right, I can see like fifty. And I'm not even looking at my bookshelf. Ah, Monitor Mouse, how did I accumulate so many? Has it been wasted money? Or will hordes of mostly fantasy novels prove useful in the future? Time will tell. (1 Comment |Comment on this)